I’m back! Not that I went anywhere, I just left my computer off. I definitely needed the small, temporary release of pressure. Other parts of my life are stressful enough; my writing should counter that. When it starts to contribute instead, I know I need to take a break.
To get back in the swing and sway of things (ballroom joke), I thought I would describe for you the razzle dazzle of a ballroom competition!
It’s funny, I made a list of topics for this 31-day challenge, but have yet to actually follow that list. One post just leads me to another post. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that things aren’t going as planned. When do they ever?
Last year, I started a series on my first blog, The Uphill Factor, titled “Express Yourself!” Teacher was starting to bring up the need for more emotional expression from me while I was dancing, and naturally, I wrote about my struggles:
Express Yourself!
Express Yourself! Part 2 – Tango Curses
Express Yourself! Part 3 – Butt and Boobs
Express Yourself! Part 4: No, Really, Express Yourself!
After some exciting progress with my writing, from publishing my first eBook to getting another article published on Dance Advantage, I took a break on Monday night to watch Week 3 of Dancing with the Stars. It seemed like it was a challenging week for the various celebrities as they started to realize that the show was actually a competition and they actually needed to learn and dance ballroom if they were going to stay. And ballroom dancing is hard!
All of the demons started coming out, and I heard so many things that sounded so familiar! “I’ve been abandoned before, I’m scared, I’m not sexy, I can’t do this, why can’t I get this right?!” People were having trouble connecting with their pro partners and feeling uncomfortable with the close physical contact. Someone even brought up the blurry line that is the pro-am relationship (teacher or friend?). I couldn’t help myself; I had to write about it.
First, to all of the remaining Dancing with the Stars contestants, I would like to say welcome!
Preface: I almost deleted this post after I wrote it. Because I know I have covered all of this before. The problem with struggles like mine is people get tired of hearing about them because they don’t understand why I don’t just get over it. Especially when I have documented success at the things I have anxiety and insecurities over. But the fact of the matter is this is a long-term project. I could win 10 more competitions and still struggle with fear and self-doubt. My goal with this blog is and always will be to be honest and open about those struggles. Hopefully, it doesn’t get too repetitive for you.
In less than a week, I get on a plane to fly to Florida. Eight days until I dance. I can’t decide if I want this last week to hurry up or slow down. I lean toward hurry up. The anticipation anxiety is always much worse than the anxiety at the actual event. And with it also being almost a week until I meet up with Teacher again, I’ve pretty much entered full panic mode. Which means I’ve gotten very quiet.
But you, my lucky readers, get a glimpse into the storm raging below the seemingly calm surface.
Fun fact about the Girl with the Tree Tattoo: I love Peter Pan. I have loved the story of the boy who could fly ever since I was a kid. The first appeal was the ability to fly, of course. And the fact that this ability was within the grasp of the “normal” Darling children. All they had to do was think happy thoughts! And get a little fairy dust sprinkled on them, but I like to focus on the happy thoughts part of the formula. Just think how awesomely it can translate to real life – with positive thinking and a leap of faith, you can lift yourself up out of your every day existence into something magical! You can reach for your dreams!
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I needed a pep talk to offset the negative voices in my head. I thought there might be others needing one too. So I decided to publish what I came up with.
“I’m not good enough.” “I don’t matter.” “I’m ugly.” “I’m unlovable.” “I don’t deserve to succeed.”
Everyone has thoughts like these. They usually originate from an external source, either direct or indirect. Sometimes from a trusted source. A careless comment or dismissive question can burrow deep in our brains and fester into something much more sinister. Someone you love and trust asks you why you bother doing what you do, it’s not like it’s going to take you anywhere. And, if you’re like me, the demons in your head latch onto that comment like it’s a precious metal and twist it and build it up until, in your dark moments, you find yourself thinking why am I doing this, I’m not good enough to “make it,” what’s the point.
I’ve lucked out twice now with my studio holding a team match shortly before I’m to go to a big competition. Team matches are great to use as rehearsals for the “real thing” because you get the structure of a competition without the stress. Or in my case, with less stress (it never leaves me entirely). This one was especially important because it allowed me to try out my new silver routines!
Before the team match, I had never done a complete round of all four silver routines with Teacher, causing me just a little anxiety (ok, a LOT of anxiety). Adding to that stress was the uncomfortable feeling of being unprepared because I still didn’t know all of my silver choreography. I could follow Teacher, but I had no idea what we were doing. To me, it was like starring in a play and not knowing all of my lines. I would have Teacher essentially feeding me lines during the performance, but that meant I had to direct more thought power to what the next line was instead of how I was going to deliver it. It also almost feels like half-assing it, like I didn’t bother studying for a test because I was going to be able to take it with a partner. I’m just not that kind of student. Plus, as the article about introverts that I shared stated, I need to feel prepared.
So how did the team match go?
I’m not a complete introvert, but definitely lean that way. It explains why I’ve been having such anxiety over “just a team match.” It’s the first time I’m dancing my silver routines and I don’t feel prepared. I know I won’t ever feel fully prepared when it comes to dance performances, but I can feel prepared enough. As this insightful article explains, introverts need to feel prepared.
Introverts and Withdrawal: Why We Do It – http://wp.me/p1m4Ij-1SW
Less than a month until I get all dolled up and walk out on the floor at the United States Dance Championships. Less than a month! I’m currently on this rollercoaster cruising over hills of excitement and plummeting to valleys of terror and anxiety. In other words, everything is normal.
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I mailed my entry forms for USDC! Hotel is reserved, flights are booked. No turning back now!
I’m mailing a check for how much?? I can’t watch.
With just under 5 weeks to go, I’m carefully managing my mindset so it doesn’t turn all dark and negative and anxiety-ridden. I know myself, so I know I’ll freak out at some point. But it’s ok. USDC will be my first competition at which I dance silver. Might sound a little crazy, entering the silver level for the first time at Nationals. But Teacher believes I can do it, and I am getting a test run at a team match in two weeks. I’m doing my best to ignore the fact that I still don’t know all of the steps in my silver routines. Trying to stay positive, I focus on the fact that I am making progress at every lesson. And I can follow the steps when I dance with Teacher. And there are still 5 weeks to go. Or is it only 5 weeks??
The Girl with the Tree Tattoo 