Happy October! It’s Day 1 of the 31 Day Writing Challenge! For the next 31 days, I’ve committed to posting something every day about ballroom dance. Since my ballroom dance journey is the focus of this blog, my topic choice is obvious. My challenge to myself is to write something new every day. I don’t want to just rehash older posts about ballroom basics. I respect and appreciate my longer-term readers too much to produce nothing but reruns for a month. But I don’t want newer readers to feel lost, like they came into the middle of a movie. So my plan is to revisit some old topics with a new or different perspective, as well as break out some new ones. I will also include links to my previous posts to help any new readers get up to speed. For today, I thought I would just introduce myself to any new readers out there.
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Tag: demons
Life Isn’t Fair – Based on a True Story
I was prepared when the phone rang this time. Teacher asked how I was and I said “I’m not sure…because you’re calling…”
Teacher was calling to inform me of the surgery necessary to repair the fractures in his wrist. So much for a clean break.
Surgery meant a longer recovery time. So for the second time, a goal has been crossed out and the future shifted back into obscurity.
There will be no Best of the Best at Ohio Star Ball for this dancer.
I initially wrote this post right after Teacher called me that second time. But I wanted to hold off on sharing it until after my first post-surgery lesson with him. Because the title is 100% true – life isn’t fair. But it is still worth pursuing.
In the middle of processing the second dream lost, I couldn’t articulate why anyone should bother if it all could be taken away without cause. So I waited until I had some time to process and then reconnected with Teacher and started working toward new plans for my ballroom future. I thought getting back into the swing of things would help inspire the words I would need to encourage and motivate you despite the random smackdowns life would give you.
It didn’t.
I still feel like life is just totally unfair and I’m still struggling to keep myself motivated.
But screw it, here is what I wrote anyway.
How to Cope with Loss – Part 6: It’s Ok to Feel Sorry for Yourself Sometimes
I think I’m going to make this post the last of this series. “Part 7” just feels like one too many, and I can tell I’m starting to circle back on emotions. There won’t be anything new to share with you, only revisited thoughts and feelings. This final part is about accepting that emotions like feeling sorry for yourself are part of the process of dealing with a loss or hardship and are OK. Sometimes.
You can read the whole How to Cope with Loss series here.
How to Cope with Loss – Part 4: Dare to Dream?
Read the whole How to Cope with Loss series here.
Just a quick note before I hit the sack.
I had another lesson with Teacher today, my second standing of the week. We worked more on silver waltz and went back into silver Viennese. Afterwards, we talked a little about Ohio Star Ball and what kind of events I should enter. I’m still hesitant to let myself say yes, we’re going! But nonetheless, I found myself happy to talk about what levels we would do in the single dance events and what level to enter in the scholarships/multi-dance events and what my goals were as far as placements and performance. It was easy for my mind to run down that path and start imagining how fun and exciting (and nerve-wracking) it will be!
Countdown to USDC – Cancelled
Found out this morning that Teacher broke his wrist.
We won’t be going to USDC.
Ohio Star Ball is questionable.
I liked it better when I was panicking over my silver routines.
Get well soon, Teacher.
Countdown to USDC – 8 Days: I’m Completely Calm (and My Pants are on Fire)
Preface: I almost deleted this post after I wrote it. Because I know I have covered all of this before. The problem with struggles like mine is people get tired of hearing about them because they don’t understand why I don’t just get over it. Especially when I have documented success at the things I have anxiety and insecurities over. But the fact of the matter is this is a long-term project. I could win 10 more competitions and still struggle with fear and self-doubt. My goal with this blog is and always will be to be honest and open about those struggles. Hopefully, it doesn’t get too repetitive for you.
In less than a week, I get on a plane to fly to Florida. Eight days until I dance. I can’t decide if I want this last week to hurry up or slow down. I lean toward hurry up. The anticipation anxiety is always much worse than the anxiety at the actual event. And with it also being almost a week until I meet up with Teacher again, I’ve pretty much entered full panic mode. Which means I’ve gotten very quiet.
But you, my lucky readers, get a glimpse into the storm raging below the seemingly calm surface.
Countdown to USDC – 12 Days: Well, That Could Have Gone Better
Ever have one of those days where you just want to yell “I swear I’m better than this!” because the current evidence is indicating otherwise? Yeah, that was me during my last lesson.
I was such a good student. Arrived at the studio an hour before my scheduled lesson time. I did my stretches and I did a round of my bronze routines AND my silver routines, all on my own. The silver was a little questionable because I still don’t have all of the steps, angles, directions, etc. without Teacher leading me. But I got through them.
Then my lesson started. We were working on silver.
Countdown to USDC – 18 Days: “I Am Significant!”
I needed a pep talk to offset the negative voices in my head. I thought there might be others needing one too. So I decided to publish what I came up with.
“I’m not good enough.” “I don’t matter.” “I’m ugly.” “I’m unlovable.” “I don’t deserve to succeed.”
Everyone has thoughts like these. They usually originate from an external source, either direct or indirect. Sometimes from a trusted source. A careless comment or dismissive question can burrow deep in our brains and fester into something much more sinister. Someone you love and trust asks you why you bother doing what you do, it’s not like it’s going to take you anywhere. And, if you’re like me, the demons in your head latch onto that comment like it’s a precious metal and twist it and build it up until, in your dark moments, you find yourself thinking why am I doing this, I’m not good enough to “make it,” what’s the point.
Countdown to USDC – 28 Days: Think Like a Champion (Don’t Freak Out)!
Less than a month until I get all dolled up and walk out on the floor at the United States Dance Championships. Less than a month! I’m currently on this rollercoaster cruising over hills of excitement and plummeting to valleys of terror and anxiety. In other words, everything is normal.
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Journey Complete, Splits Not So Much
The Journey to Splits challenge ended on July 30. I’m finally getting around to writing down my thoughts on the process. Was I able to do a split at the end? Nope. But I was closer than on day 1!
Not much closer, but still
My post-challenge thoughts:
The Girl with the Tree Tattoo 