Read the whole How to Cope with Loss series here.

Just a quick note before I hit the sack.

I had another lesson with Teacher today, my second standing of the week. We worked more on silver waltz and went back into silver Viennese. Afterwards, we talked a little about Ohio Star Ball and what kind of events I should enter. I’m still hesitant to let myself say yes, we’re going! But nonetheless, I found myself happy to talk about what levels we would do in the single dance events and what level to enter in the scholarships/multi-dance events and what my goals were as far as placements and performance. It was easy for my mind to run down that path and start imagining how fun and exciting (and nerve-wracking) it will be!

But reality pulled up on the reins big time later on, after I got home. Teacher has only been in a cast for a week. His wrist will need to be evaluated to see if it is healing properly. I have mentioned I don’t like to depend on people. Normally it is a trust thing. But right now, I don’t want to depend on Teacher going to Ohio with me because I don’t want to be an additional pressure or burden on him while he recovers. And I am afraid of setting myself up for another big disappointment because of unrealistic expectations.

So I guess I’m testing the waters right now. I want to jump back in, but self-preservation is holding me back. I suspect it is a demon in disguise, over sensitive and anxious. The good thing is entries are not due until a week into October, so there is time to see how Teacher’s wrist recovers. I like having a plan, but for now, knowing what events I’m entering IF we go to Ohio will have to suffice. The “in the meantime” plan is to enjoy a few weeks of regularly scheduled lessons. I think this little “break” where I’m just working on the dance at hand and don’t have a competition that I’m fully committed to, with no turning back, might be a good thing. I still have the goal, but it’s more fantasy than reality right now. I’m going to set a new goal to remember how I’m feeling now sans anxiety, so if/when I do become fully committed, I’ll have something to reference.