Updated October 9, 2026

The relationship between a ballroom dance teacher and a student, particularly when you are the student, has to be one of the most unique you’ll ever encounter. On the surface, the arrangement is a professional one. As the student, you pay the teacher to teach you ballroom dancing and, if you choose, dance with you at competitions. The teacher teaches you because they are paid to teach you. It’s a business. But there are aspects of this arrangement that mirror a very personal and intimate relationship. They are impossible to ignore and difficult to escape, which is why, I assume, so many professional dance partners are also life partners. And why you hear so many stories/rumors about students and teachers entering romantic relationships or going through bad “break-ups.” For a new student, it can be very confusing and may lead to that student getting hurt emotionally. But why? You know coming into it that you are receiving a service that you are paying for, nothing more. What is it about this sport/art that turns a business arrangement into an emotional rollercoaster?

There are so many ways a pro-am relationship can develop, both positive and negative. I experienced both in my time as a pro-am ballroom dancer. For this piece, I just want to try to get at the factors that influence that development. Everyone starts out the same, but over time…it’s crazy how many different relationships I observed just in the first couple of years that I was dancing. So let’s try to break this down.

The Physical Connection

The most visually obvious influential factor is the physical connection. You have to be in physical contact in order to dance ballroom. If you are dancing Standard or Smooth, you have to be in very close physical contact. I’m not just talking about holding hands. Chest (a.k.a. your boobs, ladies), hips, legs – they all get pressed up against the other person at some point. It’s not intended to be in a sexual way, but this kind of close, intimate contact is usually reserved for romantic partners. It also puts you in a vulnerable position. You are allowing someone into your personal space, and there is a certain level of trust required. You don’t typically reach that level of trust in a strictly business or professional relationship. But in order to advance in ballroom, you must. Some people are comfortable with this closeness and some are not. Either way, it affects the relationship between the dance student and their professional partner.

The Emotional Connection

As humans, we are hard-wired to react emotionally to physical contact. Whether it’s scared, happy, uncomfortable, aroused, safe, awkward, etc., you feel something. As you become comfortable with physical contact with a person, you also begin to form an emotional bond. Again, not typical in a business relationship! If you’re going to perform in ballroom, whether it’s in a showcase or at a competition, you have to be able to express the emotion of the dance and that includes the connection with your dance partner. It’s nearly impossible to do that if you haven’t developed even a small emotional bond. It quickly becomes obvious to an audience if a ballroom dance couple doesn’t care about, trust or even like each other. The performance suffers, no matter how hard you try to fake the emotion.

It’s All About Trust

Trust is important in any partnership. It is the foundation that dance partners build upon to develop a comfortable physical connection and strong emotional bond. Trust is especially critical in pro-am ballroom because by its nature, the partnership is unbalanced. You have one professional and one amateur dancer. One is paid and the other pays. The student has one partner – the teacher, but the teacher has multiple student partners and possibly a professional partner as well. Beyond trusting the teacher enough to allow them into your personal space, you trust that they will give you the focus and attention that you deserve as a paying client. Which brings me to the most influential factor in my opinion: expectations.

Great Expectations

How a dance student’s expectations change over time greatly affects their relationship with their teacher. When expectations don’t match reality, feelings can get hurt. The most commonly skewed expectation seems to be the expectation that the teacher is more than just a teacher. To students, they become friends, counselors, life coaches, confidantes, and even potential romantic partners. It’s easy to see how these views can develop. For the 45ish minutes of a private lesson, as a student, you are the center of attention. You are praised, you are complimented, you are asked to share things about yourself because the teacher wants to know more about You. From the beginning, there is friendly physical contact like holding your hand or putting an arm around your shoulders. You are made to feel wanted. You are made to feel special.

The thing that may get forgotten is the teacher wants to make every student feel that way. From a purely business perspective, that attention helps turn you into a repeat customer. Not that money is their only goal. Almost all of the teachers I’ve met truly love what they do. One way to help a student perform well is to make them feel great about themselves. So many of us need that self-esteem boost before we are even willing to try learning something new.

The end goal is your growth as a dancer though. Some students develop skewed expectations about what their money is buying them. They start expecting more of their teacher’s attention outside of lessons because they spend more money than other students or they have been dancing with the teacher for a greater length of time. Another unfortunate expectation is that the teacher is perfect, which places them on a pedestal in the student’s eyes. It’s easy to forget they are human and fallible when they seem to be all-knowing and capable of so much that you find nearly impossible.

Of course, every situation is different. Some teachers do become close friends with their students, just like people in business can become friends outside of work. Some teachers are happy to play counselor or confidante. I know teachers who are married to someone they first met as their student. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as long as the expectations are clear, so as not to damage the necessary trust.

The Other Students

A student’s relationship with their teacher’s other students can also have an impact on their relationship with their teacher. A group of students who share a wonderful bond with each other and their shared teacher become a dance family. They support each other, with and without the teacher’s presence, and the expectations of the teacher beyond teaching do not get skewed out of proportion. The pro-am relationship between each student and the teacher develops positively and in a healthy manner. Then there are those students who see their teacher’s other students as competition for the teacher’s time and attention, usually a sign that they have over-inflated expectations of the teacher. They can become jealous and even possessive, which isn’t healthy for any relationship.

My Personal Experience

When I first got into pro-am ballroom dance, I fell into the trap of thinking my first dance teacher would also become a good friend. Unfortunately, when the difference in expectations came up (me expecting a friendship, he just doing a job), he did not handle it very professionally or kindly. Instead of having an adult conversation to reset expectations, he spread lies and gossip about me. It was a harsh way to be confronted with the fact that dance teachers are flawed humans just like the rest of us. I ended that partnership, and was lucky to find another teacher to dance with at the same studio. That first painful experience, however, impacted the development of my relationship with my next teacher. It took me a long time to feel safe enough to trust again. Eventually, I healed and became stronger and wiser from the experience. I danced and competed with that second teacher for the next seven years!

I wish there was a way for new students to come into the competitive pro-am ballroom world without needing to go through something similar. I have been told so many stories that mirror my own; it almost feels like a required hazing process. My hope is this article will help at least one new student enter ballroom a little better prepared. Ballroom dance is an incredible journey that will test you in all sorts of ways, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer for it. If you’re just starting out, know that conflicting or confusing feelings are normal. You’re just getting your bearings. Keep your expectations realistic and focus on why you’re there – to dance!

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If you want to learn more about what to expect as you venture into the world of ballroom dance, check out my e-book, Dance Diaries: Learning Ballroom Dance: What I Wish I Had Known.