Reflection: False Summits Part 2

Sometimes I go back and reread old blog posts because the same issues come back to pester me again and again. This one from the Uphill Factor seemed to fit the pestering thoughts today.

http://wp.me/p2KMQ9-d5

I’m fighting this fear of never being “good enough” even though I don’t really know what that means. Good enough for what?? I’m trying so many things right now to reshape my brain into a more positive thinking entity. Less focus on the fear and doubt. But the hilarity is sometimes I think “shit, what if I fail at all these things?” How’s that for special? I’m focusing on the possibility of failure in attempts to be more positive. But what my old post linked above reminded me was I am trying, I’m not giving up, and that should make me “good enough,” no matter the final outcome. So even if months from now, I’m still as cynical as ever in my thinking, at least I tried to absorb more unicorns and rainbows! I’m giving it my best shot and that counts for something.

Who Are You Dancing For?

You know those people who draw everyone’s attention when they walk into a room? Whether it’s their walk or their smile or their eyes or everything about their body language, people notice them. I am not one of those people. I am one of those people who slips in unnoticed and hangs around for 20 minutes before someone says “oh, when did you get here?!” I generally avoid the spotlight. I’ve pushed myself to let some inner light shine through in my dancing. But I still tend to retreat to the shadows as soon as I can. Unfortunately, I will not be able to go after a national title in the shadows. Shucks.

Continue reading

Mental Smackdown – When Your Dealer Cancels Your Next Fix

On today’s episode of Mental Smackdown, I share what happens when an external trigger sets the demons loose in my head and how I attempt to bring order back to the chaos that’s created.

I was having a really good night, feeling genuinely optimistic about life in general.  And then my lesson was cancelled. Cue descent into darkness.

I know, I know, so dramatic! It’s just one lesson. Disappointment, sure, but descent into darkness? Really? Financially, it helps me because it stretches my last lesson payment that much further. So what’s my problem? Well, like any good addict, sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is my next fix. I think it’s been well established that I am addicted to ballroom and my heart and soul gets poured into it. Good or bad, I desperately rely on my two standing lessons to get me through some weeks. I may be hating life, but at least I have a lesson to look forward to. So when that oasis I’m crawling toward turns out to be a mirage? Let’s just say the struggle is real. Still too dramatic? Just wait, it gets better.

Continue reading

Countdown to Emerald – 2 Days: Fighting for the Dreams of a Servant Girl

Emerald Ball’s countdown clock has less than 1 day, but since I’m not dancing until the second day of the comp, I’m giving my countdown an extra day.  I took a prescribed break from ballroom over the weekend.  Teacher says I’m ready, and I feel ready more or less.  But with the few comps I’ve done, there has always been a time right before the big day when the sheer cost of everything hits me hard and I once again question what I’m doing. For this comp, that time came this past Saturday night.

Continue reading

Videos! Aahhh!

Ok, as promised, I didn’t dawdle in publishing my Video page!  I kept previewing it, hoping I’d think of a reason I needed to delay, but I couldn’t think of anything. So there ya go, check it out! Or not, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.  That page can grow dusty from lack of visitors, it’s ok!

I’m going to take an example from another blogger and go make myself a cup of tea! And not take the page down.  I will not delete the page.  I will not delete the page. I will not delete the page.

I need some chamomile.

Put Yourself Out There!

wpid-photofancie_2015_04_06_18_13_34.jpeg

I just added a photo gallery to the website!  Just a few shots from the competitions and showcases I’ve done to date.  I plan on adding a page with links to some videos from my competitions as well. Honestly, I had the gallery pretty much ready to go about a week ago.  But I didn’t want to hit “publish.” It’s scary to put yourself out there!  It’s one thing to write about my competitions, but to add visual aids and announce “here I am!”… Yikes. It’s a risky thing to open yourself up to the opinions of others. Especially when you know you aren’t perfect, you’re still learning, and therefore, you’re more vulnerable to criticism.
Continue reading