As is typical, after a few generally positive days, my mood has sunk a little. I have been spoiled this week with extra lessons and I recruited some new guys to Teacher’s group class, but once I was home awhile after all of that positivity, I still felt a little…unfulfilled, I guess?

Ohio Star Ball is next week. I’m booking the hotel for Teacher for Holiday Dance Classic. Two competitions I will not be attending. And frankly, that sucks.

I’m just having a weak moment. I’ve already asserted that this hiatus is temporary, that I will stay positive and focus on other goals, that I won’t give up. And I haven’t. But in moments where my mood is already low, I feel adrift and I start to wonder what the point is of taking extra lessons (or any at all) when I don’t have a specific goal I’m working toward.

Of course, you could argue that I’m still working toward a goal of competition, but what competition? When is it? I crave a more exact sense of where I’m going and what I’m working toward.

I’ll write more about this desire for something beyond “just dancing” in the second episode of my Ask the Girl series, but for now I refer back to my need for milestones along this journey. I need bigger goals to mark my progress than the fact that this week, my back is a little sore because I’m finally figuring out how to really activate my lats. Sure, that’s a sign of progress on the journey but you can get that kind of progress on a journey that isn’t going anywhere particular. I don’t want to just wander through ballroom wilderness, I want to end up somewhere.

So what this post is really about is self-pity. I’m feeling sorry for myself for not being able to set a specific competition goal right now. I’m letting a negative mood turn my focus away from all of the positive things that I am still getting out of dancing and toward the one thing I can’t have. But that’s what negative moods do, right?

I’m going to make an effort to refocus tomorrow. Right now, it is way past my bedtime. At least I got some writing done during this pity party.

Sweet dreams, everyone.