Yesterday’s lesson focused just on rhythm. Teacher wanted to finish going over the choreography for the rumba and cha cha routines and introduce the east coast swing. We didn’t end up getting to the swing, but we rarely get to the last things on Teacher’s list so no matter. Next time!

Some fun things happened with rumba and cha cha. First (even though we danced it second), something clicked in my head and the cha cha steps didn’t feel so weird. I heard the click, I swear. It was during one of the lock steps. 2-and-3-and-4-and-click! I had been frustrated for not being able to pick up the cha cha right away. It may not be realistic, but when I manage to follow Teacher’s friend during my social lessons (he just dances and never tells me what we’re going to do), I expected to be able to follow when Teacher does tell me what’s next! But this time, after a little frustration, the puzzle pieces started to fall into place. Which gave me time to be entertained by Teacher singing along to “Emotions” by Mariah Carey as we cha cha’d! He had worked his butt off for three days to fit in everyone’s lessons before he left for a comp and I was one of his last, so he was a little goofy tired! I think he could give Mariah a run for her money! Or not…

Anyways! Rumba had a special moment too. I wasn’t being serenaded through this dance, but as we were dancing the routine to music, one of the steps, where I closed my feet on a “quick,” hit on a perfectly paired note in the song. A few thoughts went through my brain. Hey, that was cool! Wow, I was actually listening to the music. Wow, I’m like…dancing! I actually laughed out loud at myself. Sometimes I almost get embarrassed when I realize I’m just moving to the music and not burning up the gears in my head thinking about all of the details of technique. I get so self-conscious when I realize I was actually maybe almost being musical! It’s a fear of vulnerability – people might notice me and if they notice, they can criticize. And if I was putting my full true self out there to be noticed, then they can hit me where it really hurts.

It’s crazy to realize how many more layers of fear I still need to push through to get to a place where I can just let go and play with my dancing and musicality. I know there are places and situations where I feel more comfortable doing so. It’s going to be a matter of finding that place of comfort within myself instead of relying on external conditions. I told Teacher we need to talk about the expression of the rhythm dances soon because there are a lot of anxiety attacks down that road and we may as well start getting them out of the way!

Maybe another dance with Mariah’s doppelganger will help!