But I get up again!
Slowly, sometimes painfully. But I get up and keep going.
The stress meter has been maxing out for the last few weeks, to the point that my body is showing physical signs.
A blog post from last year, For Every High, There is a Low, popped up in my statistics and after rereading it, I was inspired to do a sort of follow-up.
I often describe my journey as a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs. Thankfully, dance has been the one thing not causing me stress. Those 45ish minutes with Teacher continue to provide a precious escape. After my last lesson, we even have the four Smooth dances in pretty good shape for Beach Bash. I’m looking forward to drilling them in the next few weeks and maybe even practicing some emotional expression and styling.
Outside of dance, I’ve been frustrated. It seems like every time I start feeling good about something, it goes to shit, or something else in another part of my life goes wrong. Waltz Tango Foxtrot!
On my really depressed days, I even start wondering why I bother, it’s clearly my lot in life to be miserable so why try so hard to be happy and successful.
Don’t worry, this isn’t a Mental Smackdown post where the demons are in control. Nope, I’m in control today! Frankly, I’m a little pissed at my demons for producing these thoughts in my head. Not cool, little dudes. Not cool.
If I look at the short term, the demons are right. Every positive thing has been countered by something doubly negative. Short term, life has sucked. But if I broaden the scope just a little, things get brighter. I mean, I get to compete next month! This weekend was hijacked by another call for help from my second job, but that means more money for the next comp. Though some of the more serious stressors over the last few weeks felt very negative, they were actually part of positive movement.
I can equate them to those moments when you start a new exercise regime and you feel like your limbs are just going to fall off or your heart is going to explode from the effort. You feel miserable in those moments, you’re in pain and you’re having trouble remembering why you decided to do this in the first place. You might want to give up. But those awful moments are part of a bigger journey to make you stronger and healthier. If you push through, eventually you see results and you feel better.
I’m not the cliché cheerleader type who is all positive motivation and the pompoms (nothing but love for you real cheerleaders out there). I don’t get uplifted by an unbearably cheesy rhyme or catchy chant and a lot of cheering/wooing. I keep myself going with what I’ve just now decided to call “fuck it” motivation.
With all the stress, my demons keep asking, “Why not just say ‘fuck it’? This is too hard.”
Well, I have a little attitude problem, so I turn it around and tell them, “Fuck it, I’m going to do it anyway.”
When this life gets hard, you really only have two choices: give up or keep going. I say fuck it, I’ll keep going. Even if I stay miserable along the journey, at least the scenery will change.
This isn’t a very positive-sounding way of moving forward, but the point is it keeps me moving forward. I know the darkness is only temporary and I’ll reach a point where more positive thoughts will keep me motivated. For now, I just have my bad attitude and stubbornness to propel me.
So come on now, sing it with me: