Writing Without Words

I’m fighting that feeling I get when I think I haven’t done enough to feed my passions. It’s a mix of antsy and adrift topped off with a dollop of blues.  I can feel there are thoughts and feelings inside me that want out. They want to be expressed and are making it difficult to focus. But when I opened up a new blog post, the words were MIA.

So basically, this is me trying to drag myself out of the muck. This is one of those crappy days I need to show up for. If I can waltz without a partner, I can figure out how to write without having the words first. Be warned, this will probably be akin to jumping in the car and starting to drive without any destination in mind. Scenic route to nowhere, here we come!

Do you ever find yourself feeling super motivated to do something when you can’t do it, but then when you do have time, the motivation is gone?

I frequently get the urge to bust out a few chapters for my next book or go to the studio to practice in the middle of the work day. Confession: I’ve been writing this blog post from my cubicle. As flexible as my job is, I don’t think they would appreciate me disappearing in the middle of the day whenever I felt like doing something else. That’s why a lot of people go into business for themselves – the flexible hours. Although what a lot of people don’t realize is yes, you have the freedom to work at 8am or 8pm, but you’re going to end up having to work both and every hour in between to survive, at least for the first few years.

I’ve been pondering how and why I lose my motivation between the time I can’t do anything and the time I can. Part of it may be my lack of natural discipline. I think having that would strengthen the motivation’s staying power. There’s also a small (ok, huge) chance it could be stress. I have this mindset that I just have to keep pushing through whatever obstacles appear in my path. Suck it up, buttercup! Quitting is for suckers. You can rest when you’re dead.

I may be experiencing a slow burnout.

I don’t want to stop doing what I’m doing though. I just submitted entry forms for Desert Classic and got my time off approved at work. I want to keep working on my dancing to prepare for that comp! It is admittedly less fulfilling on my own. Teacher is in Blackpool all week and I already miss him. This month was weird; he has had two week-long trips, so we were on one week, then off the next. Luckily, he’s staying in town for awhile after returning from England.

I’m doing my best to keep up the solo practice. I successfully completed technique drills last night! Planning on reviewing choreography tonight. We’ll see what happens.

On the other hand, I feel like I should take a break. Stop thinking about dance. Stop thinking about the book. Stop worrying about where or when I’m going to move. Just chill.

Too much to do though. The comp AND moving happens in less than two months. I’ll never get those flexible 8am-8pm hours if I don’t keep working toward them, and part of that work is publishing more books. I can’t chill now. I have shit to do! Plus, that antsy feeling gets stronger when I don’t do anything for too long.

I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to get things done. When I actually do get things done, I feel fantastic and productive. But when I fail to get things done, that pressure causes me stress, which kills my motivation which then starts a vicious cycle. I get home and I see boxes that I brought in from the garage and started going through. I’m trying to sell or donate as much as I can, so I can move less when the time comes. I also see the notebooks and binders that contain book ideas, business ideas, branding guides, interview notes, etc. that all want my attention and I want to give it. I see my dance bag and start thinking of all the practicing I should be doing at the studio instead of coming straight home from work.

Even just thinking about all of that now is making me want to jump up and go “ok, obviously the first thing I need to do is organize my room so I don’t feel so overwhelmed!” Add one more to-do to the list.

These things don’t feel overwhelming on their own. Each one spurs my motivation and drive. It’s when I look at all of them at once and get stuck trying to decide what should be done first. Maybe I’m trying to do too much. Maybe I don’t have too much to do, but I’m not managing my time effectively. Maybe I need to stop analyzing and just chill the fuck out.

Maybe I should get back to work since I’m still in the office.

What do you think I should do tonight?  Choreo review?  Declutter my room a bit?  More writing?  Let me know in the comments!


2 thoughts on “Writing Without Words

  1. D_Wall says:

    Put all your options on slips of paper. Draw one at random. Then, do what feels right because you’ll probably either really be excited about that option or disappointed because another one wasn’t picked. Just so you know, I have no idea whether this will work but it kind of sounds good in theory.

    Liked by 1 person

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